I hate the mid-term break when the kids are off school. No don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that they are on a break and the funny thing is I am not like a lot of frazzled mammy’s wondering what to do with them for a week. I am at work. But in the case of the Daddy, the mid- term can be a fractious affair in the morning. You see, trying to get out of the house and not wake anyone requires military precision.
It starts the night before. As young kids and young teens are still playing on ipads and phones or re-constructing the house to be the latest annex of Lego city, the dads are preparing for the next morning. In order not to wake anyone, He gets dressed on the landing. So clothes are left beside shoes and ties, and then the modern day dad tries to get some sleep.
When daybreak comes he knows to stay silent. Even the breathing can wake the heaviest of sleepers. ( Or so I am told). The alarm clock is knocked off before it gets a chance to ring. It’s a kind of anticipation...waiting in those few precious moments of sleep before the radio kicks in. As soon as the button is paused and the dad wonders why he ever bothers setting it anyway, he gets out of bed as quietly as possible.
The sleeping wife is a fabulous sight. Motionless, except for breathing, the modern day husband marvels at the sight as he makes his way around the bed. Quite similar to a nature watching fanatic who has just seen the latest addition to the jungle. And may I say this is not where the similarities end.
You see, even at this early stage of the day, the modern dad is faced with the most harrowing of dilemmas. Do I kiss my wife goodbye or face her wrath for waking her up? Then if he doesn’t kiss her goodbye......well. The modern day dad feels like he has been locked in the bears cage at the zoo and the sleeping bear has the key under its paw. Slowly, he creeps over....oops...must fix that floorboard! A movement! He stands still. The breathing has gone back and with great trepidation he ambles over to the bed and delicately places a peck on her cheek. Another movement! ( The key is out from under the paw!) He makes his way to the bedroom door, his face like a contortionist as he opens and closes the door. Note to dads: Never say “I did kiss you goodbye.” They know. Some aren’t even asleep.
Folks. I have researched this and I know I am not the only ‘landing man.’ When man first talked about landing on the moon they never knew about the torment and difficulty their following generation would have to endure on the top floor of a 3 bed roomed semi-d.
The next stage of the journey takes him to the bathroom. This is ok as the door can be closed to eliminate any noise. It’s when he gets back to the landing that the trouble starts. Trousers are eased up a tired leg. Socks are put on while balancing on one foot. Falling backwards on to the banister rail and trying not to emit a scream is a challenge in itself.
Then there is the whole “getting the keys into your pocket without jangling them” issue. A phone has to be picked up, shirt buttoned...laces tied. All the time with one eye on three different bedroom doors. The jungle analogy comes back to mind, but this time it is like a marine in a Vietnam jungle an eye sprinting from tree to tree waiting for Charlie to pounce!
Clothes on. Mission accomplished. It’s time to sneak downstairs. Again the steps of a bomb disposal expert entering a hostage situation haven’t a patch on this manoeuvre. Careful steps taken. What was that?! Did someone move? A pause on the stairs. Somebody in the modern dad’s head, ( obviously the commander) whispers, “Clear!” and it is alright to proceed to the kitchen.
A quick breakfast to re-fuel for the next part of the mission. But the soldier dad has to be careful. Glasses clinking or cupboard doors creaking or closing can be detrimental to any mission. The experienced dad knows this however. He has done mid terms and Easter Breaks before. He knows his clink over his creak!
He won’t be caught out now. Not even by teeth brushing! ( A manoeuvre that takes him back up the stairs of death!) When he is safely back in the hallway. There is the final obstacle. It stands between him and freedom. All he has to overcome now is.... the hall door!
The lock is slowly turned, the handle dropped. The pained face comes into play again. And then it hits! He freezes and looks back....no one can stop it now....Beep beep beep.....the house alarm!
AAh!!!
It starts the night before. As young kids and young teens are still playing on ipads and phones or re-constructing the house to be the latest annex of Lego city, the dads are preparing for the next morning. In order not to wake anyone, He gets dressed on the landing. So clothes are left beside shoes and ties, and then the modern day dad tries to get some sleep.
When daybreak comes he knows to stay silent. Even the breathing can wake the heaviest of sleepers. ( Or so I am told). The alarm clock is knocked off before it gets a chance to ring. It’s a kind of anticipation...waiting in those few precious moments of sleep before the radio kicks in. As soon as the button is paused and the dad wonders why he ever bothers setting it anyway, he gets out of bed as quietly as possible.
The sleeping wife is a fabulous sight. Motionless, except for breathing, the modern day husband marvels at the sight as he makes his way around the bed. Quite similar to a nature watching fanatic who has just seen the latest addition to the jungle. And may I say this is not where the similarities end.
You see, even at this early stage of the day, the modern dad is faced with the most harrowing of dilemmas. Do I kiss my wife goodbye or face her wrath for waking her up? Then if he doesn’t kiss her goodbye......well. The modern day dad feels like he has been locked in the bears cage at the zoo and the sleeping bear has the key under its paw. Slowly, he creeps over....oops...must fix that floorboard! A movement! He stands still. The breathing has gone back and with great trepidation he ambles over to the bed and delicately places a peck on her cheek. Another movement! ( The key is out from under the paw!) He makes his way to the bedroom door, his face like a contortionist as he opens and closes the door. Note to dads: Never say “I did kiss you goodbye.” They know. Some aren’t even asleep.
Folks. I have researched this and I know I am not the only ‘landing man.’ When man first talked about landing on the moon they never knew about the torment and difficulty their following generation would have to endure on the top floor of a 3 bed roomed semi-d.
The next stage of the journey takes him to the bathroom. This is ok as the door can be closed to eliminate any noise. It’s when he gets back to the landing that the trouble starts. Trousers are eased up a tired leg. Socks are put on while balancing on one foot. Falling backwards on to the banister rail and trying not to emit a scream is a challenge in itself.
Then there is the whole “getting the keys into your pocket without jangling them” issue. A phone has to be picked up, shirt buttoned...laces tied. All the time with one eye on three different bedroom doors. The jungle analogy comes back to mind, but this time it is like a marine in a Vietnam jungle an eye sprinting from tree to tree waiting for Charlie to pounce!
Clothes on. Mission accomplished. It’s time to sneak downstairs. Again the steps of a bomb disposal expert entering a hostage situation haven’t a patch on this manoeuvre. Careful steps taken. What was that?! Did someone move? A pause on the stairs. Somebody in the modern dad’s head, ( obviously the commander) whispers, “Clear!” and it is alright to proceed to the kitchen.
A quick breakfast to re-fuel for the next part of the mission. But the soldier dad has to be careful. Glasses clinking or cupboard doors creaking or closing can be detrimental to any mission. The experienced dad knows this however. He has done mid terms and Easter Breaks before. He knows his clink over his creak!
He won’t be caught out now. Not even by teeth brushing! ( A manoeuvre that takes him back up the stairs of death!) When he is safely back in the hallway. There is the final obstacle. It stands between him and freedom. All he has to overcome now is.... the hall door!
The lock is slowly turned, the handle dropped. The pained face comes into play again. And then it hits! He freezes and looks back....no one can stop it now....Beep beep beep.....the house alarm!
AAh!!!