My Brother kindly bought my mother an I-phone for her birthday. Then he left.
Since then my life has been a nightmare. It’s teaching my lovely Mammy how to use it that is creating the problem. As you can imagine a touch screen phone has been daunting enough. And every slight flick of the phone has led to something being deleted or entry to the settings to re-configure the software. Am I being ageist? Perhaps. Am I being mean to the woman who went through childbirth for me? Maybe. Am I at the end of my tether and ready to throw the damn phone into the nearest toilet? Definitely.
The first problem is the aforementioned touch screen. The last time my mam used something similar it would have had ‘ Brother’ written across the top of it. So her natural instinct is to hammer the screen like a typewriter. Then because of this when nothing comes up or goes too far, she tells me “It’s not working.” So I try to show her to be gentle and to gently touch off the screen. But sometimes she can’t see it and misses the touch completely. “See I told you it doesn’t work.”
I thought the best thing to do would be to start off with a simple phone call. But to you and I who are probably more adept at this type of thing that seems easy enough. But my mother comes from a generation that waits by the window for the postman to come on his bike. Touch screens are not part of this world.
So far I have had missed calls, blank texts, eight voicemails and a picture of the television sent to me. None of which were a) intended or b) requested. When I call back I can hear the beeping of buttons and mutterings of “Feck” even though the call has been answered. The text message is alert is the sound of a car horn and the ringtone is “I am what I am”.
I am starting to tire.
Surely a smart phone should be just that. For all to use. Children and the elderly. Although in fairness, children can. I even suggested to my dear mother that perhaps she should go back to her old phone? But she doesn’t want to insult my brother. Little does she know how much I have insulted him under my breath in his absence and if I see him anytime soon.......
The idea behind the I-phone was that we were going to get my mam a laptop and internet access. My brother thought this would be an easy introduction to the world of e-commerce. That theory has been put under review ever since her ‘pay as you go’ phone credit has been emaciated for being on the internet all night. I can only presume this was unintentional.
I was concerned however the other day when I was calling her and not getting a reply. After much tuition we finally got to the part where she could answer the phone confidently and I felt it was a great milestone. However after a few attempts it just kept ringing out and I was concerned for her welfare. I knew she was in the house. So after a while I decided to ring the landline and much to my relief she answered.
“Oh Thank God” I said. “I was getting worried. Why didn’t you answer your phone?”
“Oh...I can’t find it.” She said.
I hung up.